What exactly? Dating and getting to know someone. I have written various articles recently in which I told you about how it is possible to destroy a date, the process of getting to know someone. Let it be a simple chat discussion, an extreme narcissistic dating partner or a ‘floating’ psychological game. Fortunately, this is not the whole picture though. There are indeed good examples, there are nice, normal, attentive men out there. I was lucky enough to get to know one.
Previously I wrote about attending a Speed Dating event. There we connected with this young gentleman. The afternoon after the event we got each other’s e-mail address and phone number. Soon, I received an e-mail from him, saying that he was glad we both had found each other nice and when I would be available for a coffee. This was already a great start, he was not procrastinating for days contacting me, but acted right away.
We agreed in having a coffee in two days’ time. I still remembered how he made me feel on the Speed Dating as well. He was nice, attentive, our conversation had no obstacles, already in those 7 minutes. This was no different on our first coffee date either. He was talking about himself, was interested in me as well, we discovered many common points in our lives. There were differences as well, of course. We talked about them too, how we would experience these in a relationship. We could be honest with each other about ourselves, about previous relationships, previous dating experiences. About what we desire, what we would like to have and how we imagine life.
At the end of the date he offered me to take home by car, which was also very thoughtful and kind of him. We said good-bye in front of my house and he said he had a good time and hoped that we would continue. We agreed on this as well 🙂
The next day he wrote another e-mail, asking me if I feel like meeting again. Of course, I did, we agreed on the day when we were both available.
On the coming day, he friended me on Facebook, it is easier this way than in e-mail.
Even this was having a great flow. I liked it all. I liked how naturally things were evolving, how continuous the approaching was. The pace and extent of it was comfortable for me too. It was comfortable for both of us.
On each and every of our encounters we could give more and more bits and pieces of our soul and experiences to the other one. We didn’t have to force ourselves; we didn’t have to tense up. There was no ‘floating’, false promising, stepping out, psychological games or ego plays. Things were just flowing in their natural pace.
Because it can be done well. It happens, that the man feels how it is done well.
It happens, that the man is nice and thoughtful. Not faking it, not for the sake of (un)written rules or checklists. But because he is like this and this is what he would like to give to a woman.
After some dates I realised in myself though, that despite all the good I received from him, the emotional connection didn’t happen from my end. I wanted to have a switch on me with which it can be turned on. I really wanted it. But unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. There are cases, when it does not happen and it is nobody’s fault. I would have been able to enjoy for a long time the incredibly positive atmosphere that he could create. However, with this realisation within myself, it wouldn’t have been fair with him. If I had stayed in this without saying a word, it would have been only me using his goodness for my own sake. This was definitely not something that he deserved.
So, I told him honestly, what is inside my head.
If you are the recipient of such a message, it can be reacted on, in various ways. As per my previous experiences, it can be an aggressive frontal attack just like the extreme narcissistic guy, or completely ignoring and blocking the other, like my ‘floating’ dating partner. Even though in these cases the deeper connection of the souls didn’t even happen, which did now, with this gentleman.
This man was part of our dating so exemplary and naturally so far as well – and I have to say he managed to keep it this way, even in this situation. He reacted in a way, which only can be done by a mature, understanding and healthy man. Which could be an example to be followed by many.
It was not about the ego or being insulted or being punished. He was disappointed, of course, but he did not project it on me. He was understanding, nice and patient.
After this, we met for a dinner and we had our conversation about this as well. After that, we said farewell to each other. At that evening, sitting at home, I was thinking about why it hurts that much now. I knew that this is the right decision, I knew that on the longer run this is fair. Still, I felt awful. Because of myself? Because of him? I believe it was because of both of us.
It was a huge positive learning and experience, that there are (still) men out there who can give this to a woman. There are men who can pay attention to a woman, as to an equal partner, without psychological games. With whom if she meets, she can feel that she is ok the way she is – and the man as well. When none of the parties need to ‘comply’ with the expectations of the other, play roles, wear masks. Where there is understanding, attentiveness, kindness, acceptance, from both ends. If we can add the emotional connection to this, in that case we can talk about the foundations of a real, happy future relationship.
Because there you go Gentlemen (and Ladies), it can be done well!