Relationship is an important topic in the lives of most people. Either because they are in one, or because they are not. A relationship, or the lack of one, reveals a lot about a person’s soul. Many suffer – either next to their partner or because they can’t find him. There are many thoughts and pitfalls that prevent someone from living in a fulfilled relationship based on equality, love and happiness. Below, I write to you about some of these.
“I threw him out right after the first date because…”
Because I didn’t like his hair, because he wasn’t dressed well, because, because, because… By these situations, I don’t mean when someone after one encounter, already feels for sure that there is no connection between the two of them. But here I mean when someone is so deeply wounded in their souls, so afraid of further injuries, that they don’t’ dare to open up to a new relationship — consciously or subconsciously. Therefore, they seize every little opportunity as to why they don’t need that particular person. Thy search for all minor negative things, when they go on a date, they are constantly checking what might be wrong with that person. Then, of course, they find that negative thing they were looking for, and so they can make sure again, “Well, you see, he is also not the one…!”. What needs to be recognized here, however, is that these things come from themselves. As long as someone lives their life with this attitude and with this program running in the background, they will not be able to see either the beautiful or the good things in others.
No one is perfect – it’s a big cliché, but it is true. The main question, however, is whether they want to see only the negative things in the others, or they allow themselves to see the positive ones as well. And of course, whether they can open their heart to someone again. It often takes time for real feelings to develop.
What someone first experiences as attraction is often only sexual attraction, not emotional or the attraction of the souls. And purely sexual attraction will surely not be enough after a while, if there is no emotional side to it.
You need to give them time and chance to be formed, not necessarily throw out the other person at the first corner. In the meantime, you also need to practice self-reflection, to explore the obstacles in the depths of your soul and to resolve them.
“In the beginning everything was so beautiful, I don’t understand why it’s so bad now, but he will change for me!”
This is the case when the Woman gets into a relationship where everything may have been pink in the first period, but then it is gone – as it is often the case unfortunately. That’s when the problems and the Man’s true self come to the surface – which might have completely nothing to do with what he has shown about himself so far. Because things can be pretended, but only for a while, not forever. Sooner or later, reality gains space and then everything can be turned upside down. Everything the Woman had believed and thought of the Man until then.
However, as she continues to cling to the experiences and feelings of the first period, she refuses to realize that the reality was not that one, but this is the one. The reality is what is being experienced now.
That the Man is not that attentive, not that nice, not that interested, not that…. and we could list more. In these cases the reaction of the Woman can be that she will save the Man, he will change for her, now he is just in a bad period. No, these situations aren’t usually about being in a bad period – there are times when they are, of course, but they usually aren’t. But they are about the Man getting tired of pretending and now showing what he really is. And if he himself does not want to change this, then unfortunately there is nothing to be done. Or actually there is. The Woman can choose from two options. The first is that she stays in this relationship, together with the vain dream in her head that things will get better. In the meantime, she is constantly suffering and hoping – in vain. The other option is to realize that this is a check-mate situation, since she cannot change the Man, he must want it for himself. But the Man doesn’t want that. And then the Woman decides to leave this relationship. Because she finally puts herself and her own happiness first. This is the first step in the healing process.
“It’s true that I’ve been suffering in this relationship for many years, but that’s all I get…”
That’s all you get?! That is simply not true. Everyone deserves joy and happiness. No one needs to atone for a lifetime in a situation where they don’t feel good. But if the Woman thinks it otherwise, she is stuck suffering in the relationship. She accepts that she has to serve, she accepts that she is second-class, she accepts that he is not worthy of anything good – that’s all she gets. Everyone else who might be in a happy relationship is just “lucky”. “Easy for them…”
Well, no. It’s not easy for anyone. Everyone is working on their relationship. It takes two people for a relationship to have an improving tendency over the years and not a declining one.
One person cannot solve the tasks instead of two. That is impossible. A Woman who thinks that’s all she gets, has very low self-confidence and self-esteem. She doesn’t believe she is worthy of being happy, of being truly loved. She might never have been happy or really loved before, so she doesn’t even know what it might be like – so it’s hard to realize it could be better than that. In such cases, the Woman should start to work on her self-confidence and self-esteem as soon as possible. They need to be raised and developed, so that the Woman can feel that she really deserves everything she might have not even dreamed of before.
I see many of my coaching clients being stuck in these thoughts or similar ones. They brought it from childhood, from their parents, from their environment, from anywhere. They experience these sentences as universal truths. But they are not. These are just blockages formed in their own heads and souls that prevent them from being truly happy, from finding their own true way. It is already a huge step forward for someone to recognize these sentences in their own lives and thus begin to resolve them on a conscious level. Just because something was like that in the past (either in your own or in anyone else’s life) doesn’t have to be that way in your future. You have free will to change your destiny. But only you can do it for yourself.
If you liked this article, also visit my relationship article compilation, where you can find more of my writings about this topic.
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