“If you loved me, you would know that….” A typical female sentence revealed

Gentlemen, have you ever encountered this sentence, said by your girlfriend or wife? I am sure many of you have, indeed.

And what could you do with it? How did you react? What did you say or do? What did you think? Did you think that if you loved her, you would really need to know, that… for example she craves an orange juice, or she would have preferred spending the weekend at home cuddling instead of going out, or that she would have loved to have a home-made dinner instead of the take-out, etc?

Let me help you here. No, you don’t necessarily need to know, if she doesn’t say it. As mind-reading and telepathy is not (yet, at least) a widely used human ability, this sentence is wrong at its roots already.

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Dear Gentlemen, I beg for your pardon, on behalf of all the women who use this sentence with their partners. Because it is not realistic to expect from our boyfriend or husband to know all our thoughts, all our hidden desires, all the unspoken words. This is simply not how it works.

Yet, I see this happening in many relationships. Women expecting things from men to do for them. The problem is already with the word of expecting. Why would anyone expect anything from anyone? That is all so wrong! If she expects something, it means that she has a pre-planned vision in her head of how things should turn out to be. Which is not yet an issue. However, the issue is that the second step of this is missing. This second step would be communicating it. Saying it out loud (but not shouting!), with words, what she would like or prefer.

But, instead of articulating the needs, she wants to play the guessing game of “If you loved me, you would know that…” – and complete the sentence with whatever you want or have experienced.

 

So, what’s the deal here? What is this whole psychological game about?

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Because yes, this is a psychological game, by the way. The Woman, being in a relationship, but having been conditioned all her life not to talk about her needs. Maybe as a child she learned, that even if she says what she needs, no one cares about it. Therefore, she started not to say it – without even noticing it. Maybe this is how the Woman grew up, and lived her life all along. In the meantime, being utterly frustrated deep inside, that no one cares about her. And this frustration bursts out from time to time from her. Like a volcano, erupts. But by the time it happens, the articulation of the needs (aka outburst, shouting, verbal fight) is all but assertive and kind. It is rather like pouring an ice bucket on the head of the boyfriend/husband.

This is not so fare, is it?

The Woman in this case should learn how to verbalize what she wants, what she needs. But let’s take a step back. First and foremost, the Woman should be aware of her own needs. This sounds trivial, that everyone knows their own needs, but unfortunately based on my experience with my coaching clients, this is far from the truth. Those people, who grew up while their needs were not heard and/or met, eventually forgot about them. They lose connection to their inner self, hence to their necessities as well.

paola-aguilar-O-FR79xcGh8-unsplashThe First Step

Therefore, the real first step for our Woman is herself paying attention of her deep inner needs. Thinking about them, writing them down, even discussing them with her partner (if you two are brave enough already at this initial step :D). Without this list, she would not really be able to step out from this behaviour mechanism.

The Second Step

Continue reading….

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